Monday, July 9, 2007

Sometimes a deadbolt isn't enough

So I recently had a close encounter with an alleged psycho.

I’ve changed the names in this story to protect the innocent. Although I’m pretty sure that even a dull two year old will be able to put the pieces together.

So I get home from a movie yesterday and my roommate Duncan is there with some guy I’ve never met. I’m introduced to Todd. Todd seems like a nice guy, getting instant points with me by complementing my musical collection. Todd and I continue talking while Duncan takes a quick shower. Todd and I talk about musicals we’ve seen and liked and played a quick game of who do we know in common. Duncan comes out in the living room and He and Todd leave to go get a bite to eat. They come back with Wendy’s in hand at which point I regret not requesting a frosty but decide to make myself a Bellini instead. Champagne and Peach Sorbet have never tasted so good.

So we all chat a bit more, play some karaoke game on the PS2 and then we all somehow ended up back in Duncan’s room looking at his kilt. Our neighbor Shalini sticks her head in the apartment and announces a smoke break. I leave to join her and when I came back into the apartment Duncan’s bedroom door is shut.

I of course think well, good on ya there mate, and go back outside for another cigarette.

Unbeknownst to me… Duncan was not excited about the door being shut. Apparently Todd took my leaving the apartment as his cue to mount Duncan. Looking back on things I did see a bit of terror in poor Duncan’s eyes when Shalini announced the smoke break. But I was much too focused on my nicotine fix to notice.

So Shalini and I are out smoking and my door opens and Duncan and Todd leave. I don’t think anything of it till Duncan calls and tells me all the gritty details.

Apparently Duncan and Todd had met earlier in the day online and Duncan (in a very brave attempt at being outgoing and making new friends) invited Todd over to hang out.

Well it now looks as though Todd took that as, “Come over. I’m very interested in having you inside me".

Well needless to say things didn’t work out between Duncan and Todd. As was exhibited in the text Duncan received around 11 that asked, “What do you wear to bed?”

I loved Duncan’s response, “heavy sweat pants, I’m going to sleep now, night.”

So I’ve written this blog, not in an attempt to humiliate or make fun of, but to help my dear little Duncan.

Well that and I do have some nice things in apartment that I would like to keep.

So after going through Todd’s profile a little more thoroughly I’ve compiled….

Clues that the guy you’ve just met on is probably a psycho.

Exhibit A.

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Really? Straight. Okay. If you’re straight why are you talking to someone who has this in their profile?

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Exhibit B.

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The Desperation Trifecta +1. Those four things say, “I’m basically looking for anyone who’ll give me the time of day. Please God, Don’t let me die alone”

Exhibit C.

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When half of your favorite books listed are ones you read in Junior High… perhaps you should think about reading an adult book. I mean don’t get me wrong. I read “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret” ever year. But I’m not going to list it on my favorite books.

Exhibit D.

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Dating… has always been and always will be code for - I’m sleeping with half the valley.

Exhibit E.

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I don’t think a movies ever made me a better person. Well I take that back. There were a few After School Specials that really shaped who I am as a person. But they don’t make those anymore. And the only thing Waiting for Guffman moved me to was the other room so I could escape from that piece of crap movie.

Exhibit F.

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Okay clearly, if you are mentioning your “X” (it’s “ex” by the way) then we have a whole separate truck full of issues.

Exhibit G.

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Okay I get it you were lied to by, from the looks of it, an ex-boyfriend who liked drugs. He tried to get you to do them. I get it. I get it. Love the quote in this one. It’s very “I’m not trying to, but I’m totally quoting Rent”

And finally 831. This one took a bit of digging. But apparently it is a code for his ex. It means I love you. 8 letters, 3 words, 1 person. Excuse me for a moment. I seem to have thrown up on my keyboard…

Okay I’m back. Why would you ever want to meet a person who has made their entire profile about their ex?

Exhibit H.

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That’s right. He’s posted the lyrics to a Clay Aiken song in his profile. Oh that I were making this shit up. I mean really if you just read the lyrics for a bit, it’s like I don’t even need to make fun of this section. It’s already done for me.

And Finally

Exhibit I.

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Yes ladies and gentle-ladies, he hates his ex so much that he still has a picture of them together in his profile.

I have to include this last little bit. It’s not in the profile but Duncan did mention that Todd had said something earlier in the day that made him wonder. I guess Todd told him that his ex has accused him of stalking. And by accused I mean called the cops and stuff.

Don’t fret little Duncan. You did a good thing by trying to befriend the crazy. But you forgot that all important rule. Crazy people have all the friends they need. Right there inside their head.


Kitty Walker said...

Thanks so much for posting this! It was a hoot. You left out that part about the lies he said about ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I spotted the crazy way back and have steered clear!

P.S. My roommate "Gabby" says reading that was the best part of her day.

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.

meg said...

I agree with Josh! In fact, I laughed so hard, I peed my pants a little! This guy is NUTS!

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